CYBER MONDAY DEAL – Hard Copy Keys to the Kingdom —
Alright kids, the Keys manuscript is in the hands of my trusted graphic design gal so she can work her magic and make it all one-click uploadable to Amazon and Kindle (because I would totally botch that for sure). I should have it back within the week and will have hard copies in-hand very soon. Like I said, I’m looking at a Dec. 11th release date. Clear your entire day! Cyber Monday deal is $15 (marked down from $20) for a hard copy signed book. I will handle shipping and mail to you anywhere in the U.S. Email me your address and inscription request and consider it done. In the meantime, let’s get back to Mitch’s Nonsuch saga shall we? If you’re not caught up, start from the beginning (Chapter One), or get a little refresher of the last segment (Chapter Seven).
Now, where was I? Let’s see …
“So, is there like a lot of sailing in it?” Mitch asked. I was pitching my new book to the boys while we were making our way out of Clearwater and back across the Gulf.
“Yesss,” I said, an eye roll followed by a somewhat indignant huff. “I told you. It’s a lot like Salt of a Sailor, in that it covers a particular passage on the boat but has flashbacks to stories from my past, except this book will cover mine and Phillip’s trip to the Keys last year. Keys to the Kingdom, get it?”
“Okay, but not too many old stories, right?” Mitch asked.
Why do I always get that?
In all, they were pretty receptive. Both Mitch and Phillip liked the idea of the two plot lines as long as the sailing plot was bigger! It was pretty calm in the Gulf so I spent the morning hunkered over my laptop writing. Nice view from the office, huh? Yes, this is where most of the initial framework for my new book was created─on the Nonsuch trip with this brilliant, blue-water view. You gotta love my new work environment.
Sadly we were still motoring because the wind wasn’t blowing hard enough to disturb a dandelion, which is not the ideal situation because we love to sail but it’s still acceptable when your engine is running like a champ and you’re chugging across crystal blue waters. But, because the engine was doing all of the work, we definitely wanted to keep an eye on it. Phillip had spotted a spot (no pun intended) of pink on the oil pad underneath the engine (the “engine diaper” I like to call it as it catches all of the engine’s crap) but we couldn’t recall if it was there when we first started out back in Ft. Myers or if this was in fact a new spot. For that reason, Phillip had left the engine access open while we motored that day in order to keep an eye on it.
After a few hours of motoring, he decided the drop was new. I almost couldn’t believe it. The parallels were a little too uncanny. Here we were, the three of us, traveling once again across the Gulf together in another 1985 boat, another Hinterhoeller, and we had another transmission leak? It was starting to get creepy. The thought ran through my head to check and make sure we had saved some extra Dasani water bottles in case I needed to whip up another duct tape fluid-catching contraption (patent pending). Such measures didn’t seem necessary (yet) as we were only getting one drop of hot pink transmission fluid about once every two minutes. Not a huge amount but certainly something we wanted to keep an eye on in case it increased. It was coming out from under the shifter arm just like it had in our boat, probably because we were working the transmission much harder than she had been run in a while and that same ninety-seven cent gasket on the arm was giving out. The good news was we could confidently tell Mitch we knew exactly what was happening and it was a super easy fix. Ahhhh … the benefits of been-there-done-that syndrome.
Later in the afternoon we decided to make the chicken tiki masala for dinner. This would be the infamous dish that gave Mitch such fits during the provisioning phase of this saga:
“What’s naan?” he had asked, claiming he had inquired the same of three different clerks in Publix yet they responded they’d never heard of none such like it, which is why Phillip and I ended up providing the Naan for the passage and making it for Mitch on this night. Turns out, Mitch loved it.
“This Naan is great,” he mumbled between bites. “Where do you get this stuff?”
“Publix,” we replied.
It was over this dinner, though, that Mitch really regaled us. Friends, I hope I can only begin to capture this for you─the wondrous world of Nonsuch videos that are out there on YouTube. (YouTube, what is this Tube of You of which you speak? Don’t know─HERE is a good place to start.) As we were about to set into our second night passage, Mitch got to talking about this whole Gulf crossing we were doing and some of the fears that had gripped him our first night out in open waters. And, as funny as it sounded, he told us one thing that made him feel better about the boat were some of the clips that had come to mind from the many Nonsuch videos he had watched while shopping for his boat. Now, while I mentioned the boat porn and the many hours friends who are shopping for a boat spend scrolling through boat listings, boat write-ups, boat reviews, etc., the one thing I did not think of (I guess just because Phillip and I didn’t do it when we were shopping for our boat), were YouTube videos about boats. Frankly, before Mitch and the Nonsuch (and that was a measly five months ago – times they are a-changin), I didn’t know they had YouTube videos on boats. Apparently Mitch’s variety of internet scouring involved videos because while on the hunt for any and all Nonsuch information, he had stumbled across a treasure trove of Nonsuch video classics, and he started re-enacting them for Phillip and I as we motored into the evening:
“Nonsuches never foul,” he said, waving his finger at us in this haughty regatta announcer voice. “They might make slight indiscretions,” he said with an exaggerated shoulder shrug, but they never foul.”
“Come on. Really Mitch? They really say that?” I wasn’t quite buying it. Mitch claimed, however, this was pretty close to the actual video transcript (and it turned out he was right).
“Nonsuches love to sail. They’re so easy to handle and light to the touch,” he continued now in a bit of a enamored infomercial viewer. “It’s like they’re always anxious to get underway.”
I tell you folks, the things I do for you. When we returned, I found these sacred videos for you and─while Mitch was right about the “Nonsuches love to this and that” quotes─the one thing he failed to mention about these videos is that while they were, yes, a version of boat porn, they practically qualify, however, as actual, soft-core seventies porn themselves. I kid you not. It’s like Joey Tribbiani and “grandma’s chicken salad.”
Virtually everything the narrator said seemed to have a sexual undertone. “There’s always room for jello.” Perhaps we were just acting like fifth graders when Phillip and I finally found these videos on our own and found ourselves snickering and doubled over just about every two seconds. But, see what you think. Here are some I-kid-you-not actual excerpts:
- Looks like a cat boat, moves like a leopard.
- She makes you feel at home just thinking about her.
- Everything is easy. It’s like she was anxious to get underway.
- When Nonsuch meets Nonsuch a kind of happy magic happens.
- “So,” he says. “Are you going to the regatta?” “You bet,” she says. “Want to go together?” she asks. “Sure. My Nonsuch or yours?” “Mine, but I’ll race you home for privilege.” (What does that even mean?? Who’s privilege?)
- Like a dolphin ballet.
- Just as much fun to do as to see. (Translation — you can just watch, that’s okay.)
- There’s a kind of silent bugle blowing when Nonsuches come together.
- It’s the call of the wind and the sea, and just a hint of champagne.
- Come on in Nonsuch, there’s always room for one more.
- When Nonsuches race, they race in a civilized manner. It is very unsuch to protest.
- While Nonsuches might occasionally commit slight indiscretions, they never (ever!) foul.
And please, do not underappreciate s/v Rainbow Rita’s rocking poof ‘do or Nonsuch Ned’s seventies porn stache as well.
For your viewing pleasure, straight from HaveWindWillTravel vault, I give you — The Nonsuch Navy, Parts One and Two. Enjoy:
Good stuff, right? The three of us spent the last minutes of daylight, watching the sun drop out of a feathered pastel sky, repeating the Nonsuch mantras back and forth as we continued our way across the Gulf.
Our favorite quote: “We also call her Nonsuch because there isn’t anything like her or the people who sail her.” (That about sums up Mitch and his boat. One of a kind.)
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